What to do when your teen melts down

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 Let's say your teen stayed up all night on his phone when he should have been completing homework and sleeping. Your teen is upset because you are threatening to take away the cell phone. So what does he do? Melts down.

"I hate you."
"No other parents do this."
"What if there's an emergency? You don't want me to be safe!"
"Everybody I know has a cell phone."

Sound familiar?

When a teen is having a meltdown, they are often not in full control of themselves. In some ways, they are asking you to help them to calm down. Unfortunately, what we do often adds to the meltdown instead of decreases it.

To some extent, teen tantrums are normal, meaning they are common and not necessarily cause for alarm. But that does not give your teen license to scream or make hurtful statements when they want to. 

What should you do?

I recommend you Starve The Fire. When a fire is burning you can either add fuel to keep it going, or you can deprive it of elements it needs (like oxygen) and it will die out on its own. What do you think will add to the fuel? 

Here's a list of common things that add to the fuel of a meltdown:

1. React out of anger. In this moment, your teen is expressing his anger. He is trying to get you angry. If you need a moment to calm yourself down then take it. Just like when 2 fires merge to make one large fire, when you become angry, you will add to the energy of your teen's meltdown.
   
2. Back down.  It's only anger. It may be tempting to make the meltdown go away by giving in a bit, but it will not help you or your child in the long run. In fact, it will make the next meltdown even bigger because he has learned that sometimes you back down.
   
3. Problem-solve.  Your teen is reacting out of an emotional side of her, and is not ready to engage her intellect (which is needed for problem-solving).
   
4. Threaten. "If you don't calm down right now, I'm adding another month to your phone restriction." At first glance, this may seem like it would decrease a meltdown. However, most parents use this out of anger and it only exasperates the teen and adds energy to their meltdown.
   
5. Insult. "You're acting like a child. Grow up and act your age." It may be true that your teen is acting like a young child during the meltdown, but it will only increase the meltdown if you say it.
   
6. Watch. For some teens, just having their parent in the room watching them will increase the meltdown. Your non-verbal reactions may be enough to fuel the fire. If this is your teen, you may need to leave the room.
7. Argue. It may be tempting to show your teen the error in his logic, but remember, he is not thinking logically, he is thinking emotionally. Likewise, to debate over the minutia of what he is saying, just prolongs the meltdown. ex. He says, "Everybody has a cell phone." You say, "Your aunt doesn't have a cell phone." This is typically not helpful.

So what should you do instead?  Ask yourself: "Does this add fuel to the fire, or does it starve the fire?"

Let's consider a few things that will decrease the fuel of your teen's meltdown.

1. Remain calm. Easier said then done. This takes practice. Think of a time when you were angry, and tried to make somebody else angry, and that person remained calm. What did you do? You probably became angrier at first, and then moved on to try and anger another person. With your teen, if you can remain calm, she will learn there is no reason to remain in her tantrum for too long because you are not going to be feeding her fire.
   
2. Think of him as a 2 year old. What do 2-year-olds do when they hear the words "no"? They tantrum. Teens do too. Sometimes it takes the edge off of a meltdown if (to yourself) you think of it as a tantrum.
   
3. Acknowledge the anger. Sometimes it is calming for a teen just to be understood.
   
4. Find something else to do. Do anything that will help you to not engage in your teen's meltdown.
   

So let's put it all together. Your teen begins to yell because you are threatening to take away his cell phone. Here's how an informed parent might react.  After taking a deep breath, she calmly says, "Bryan, I can see you are angry. I don't respond well to yelling. Why don't you take 5 minutes, go up to your room, listen to some music, think about what you'd like me to know, and let's meet back. But I'm letting you know now that if you start yelling again, I'm going to stop the conversation because I don't like to be yelled at." Then Bryan rolls his eyes and goes up to his room.  When your teen is having a meltdown, your only goal should be to Starve the Fire. Clearly this doesn't work perfectly every time.  But you should notice a reduction in the intensity and frequency of the meltdowns.

It's not the time to enforce punishment. It's not the time to discuss the consequences. Only do these things when your teen is showing you they can be calm.

Note: Some teens are not safe during a meltdown. They become overwhelmed and make threats. If this is your teen, seek help, as safety concerns should always be taken seriously.